Four years ago, I bought the leftover apricot tree that nobody wanted. It was just two wispy sticks in a pot. Looking back, I think it’s the most valuable tree I’ve ever planted.

I wanted apricots, but as you may relate, I was running out of room for another tree in the food forest. So I decided to espalier it along a narrow stretch of the fruit loop.

If you're not familiar with espalier, it's the practice of training a fruit tree to grow flat against a structure. It can be incredibly beautiful and productive, but it requires patience, pruning, and gently guiding each branch as the tree grows.

I'd never espaliered a tree before, but armed with a library book and more confidence than experience, I got to work driving stakes into the ground. I looped rusty wire through bits of old hose, wrapped them around the thin branches, and cranked them down to match the image in my mind (and in the book) of what I wanted that tree to become.

Immediately, the bark split.

Amber gum oozed from the wound and pooled on the earth.

I was left wondering if I had just killed the tree I had planted mere minutes ago.

I'd wanted to grow apricots. Instead, I was draining the lifeblood from this poor little tree by forcing it into a shape I had decided was best. I later learned the amber gum wasn't the tree dying. It was a stress response called gummosis. The tree had already begun to heal itself.

ooking back now, I can barely relate to the version of me who treated that apricot tree so harshly. But then again…that was also how I treated myself.
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I longed for a completely different life, a life of beauty, connection, freedom, nature, and abundance. I called it Goldiland because it felt like a fantasy. I knew that vision was calling me somewhere, but I couldn't see a path to it yet.

So I reached for the only tools I knew: effort, discipline, and control. Cranking down on whatever levers I could to try to shape my life into something other than what it was.

I decided I needed more money so I worked jobs that were deeply out of alignment. I drank coffee to override my body's need for sleep. I pushed my body beyond its limits because I believed that's what it took to build a better life.

I didn't know there was another way.

Today, that version of me feels very far away because I’m beginning to understand that Goldiland isn’t a place I needed to find. It’s a path I’m slowly uncovering through the way I choose to live each moment. And somewhere along the way, I stopped asking the world how I should be and started looking to nature to understand how living things become the fullest expression of themselves.

This little apricot tree is now beautifully espaliered. Branches grew vertically from the two wispy limbs I trained sideways. They're now healthy and strong enough to hold the pounds and pounds of apricots.. But every time I pass this beautiful tree I sculpted from two wispy sticks, I'm grateful it was resilient enough to survive me. The espalier itself was never the problem. The force I used to get there was. Now I know there’s a gentler path.

This summer I filled basket after basket with warm apricots from the very tree I once thought I'd killed, and I realized...I don't garden like that anymore. And I'm not living that way anymore either. I still have a vision. I just no longer believe force is what brings it to life.

As I begin the next chapter of this journey, I notice I'm asking a different question than I would have a few years ago. Not, "How do I get there?" But, "How can I move toward the life that's calling me without betraying myself along the way?"

🧡 Erin

P.S thank you so much for all your responses to my recent emails. I love reading your thoughts. I read every reply, even if it takes me a little while to respond or I miss a few, I do my best. Your emails are deeply appreciated and often inspire future videos and newsletters, so if this topic resonates with you, or if you'd like me to explore it more deeply, I’d love to know.
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Have a great weekend and happy gardening.